How to be the Perfect Job!
by CoroNos888
Summary: Tired of your old boring job? Don't be! This guide will show you what it's really like to be those other jobs! Choose the one that's just right for you! WARNING! May contain Deaths, Delevels, name calling, and Tarutaru hurting. CHAPTER 3 ONLINE! R&R!
1. How to be: WAR, MNK, WHM

**WARNING! This guide contains somewhat to very offensive content to the following jobs. If you think this story will offend your job, do not read. The last thing I need is seeing a shitload of flames. By reading on, you have agreed not to flame me because of the content below. And yes…I trained all of these jobs, heard facts from Level 60-75 experts, and tried the follies myself. Ok, this bold text must ruin your eyes right now, so you can move on.**

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**How to be the perfect job**

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Ever wondered that the job you are right now isn't working out for you? Tired of just stabbing things with your sword? Tired of curing helpless assholes? Well you came to the right place! In here, you will find ways to be the job of your choosing. Today our volunteers will be Coronos and Madant. Coronos shall be the job, and Madant will be the co-helper.

How to be a Warrior

In order to be a Warrior, you must first learn how to Provoke. Coronos and Madant will demonstrate now.

**Madant: Shit! Coronos! HP55/100!**

**Coronos: Wtf do you want me to do?**

**Madant: Um…let's see…VOKE IT!!!**

**Coronos: Oh ok…**

**_/ja Provoke Goblin Mugger_**

**Madant: Thanks man. I owe you one.**

**Coronos: AAAGGGHHH!!!**

**Madant: HOLY SHIT!**

**_/ma Cure Coronos_**

**Coronos has been defeated by the Goblin Mugger**

**Madant: Oh…F**

Rule #1 of being a Warrior. YOU WILL DIE! The only purpose of a Warrior is to take hits so the others don't get hurt. The purpose of a WAR is to die. And die. And die. Over…and Over…

How **NOT** to be a Warrior

**Madant: Shit! Coronos! HP55/100!**

**Coronos: Wtf do you want me to do?**

**Madant: Um…let's see…VOKE IT!!!**

**Coronos: Everytime I voke the mob, I die.**

**Madant: WARs have uber DEF. You can handle it!**

**Coronos: But my HP is in the Orange Zone…**

**Madant: HURRY MAN! HP34/100!**

**Coronos: Cure yourself, you'll be 'aight.**

**Madant: OMFG!!! PLZ!!!**

**Coronos: Make me!**

**_Madant has been defeated by the Goblin Mugger._**

**_Madant has deleveled to Level 9._**

**Coronos: Oh…F**

What Coronos did was a fatal and irresponsible mistake. He forgot the #1 rule of being a Warrior. YOU WILL DIE! It's ok for WARs to die, because that's their main purpose of life! Warriors are meant to take hit for the other adventurers. I mean, we don't wanna die.

How to be a Monk

In order to be a Monk, you must learn how to use your hands. Monks who use weapons are not only pussies, but weak. Coronos and Madant will demonstrate now.

**Coronos: YEAH! YOU LIKE THAT BITCH?!**

**Madant: You tell 'em Coro.**

**Coronos: I'MA BEAT YOUR ASS TO THE GROUND!**

**Madant: You missed a spot.**

**Coronos: EAT IT! EAT IT! EAT IT!**

**Madant: Now have you learned your lesson?**

**Poor Beaten-up Tarutaru: Mffffmmffmfffmmfff…..?!?!?!?**

**Madant: I don't think he learned yet. Please continue Coro.**

**_/ja Hundred Fists Coronos_**

Coronos has used the full potential of a Monk called, Hundred Fists, also called the Monk's 2hr. This 2hr cannot save your party, so feel free to use it whenever you feel like it. It's mostly used to relive some anger and beat up poor Tarutarus so you can finally get that gil he owned you 5 years ago.

How **NOT** to be a Monk

**Madant: Shit I got aggroed.**

**Coronos: Is that my problem?**

**Madant: Let's beat the shit out of it.**

**Coronos: Finally! I can use this!**

**Madant: WTF IS THAT?!**

**Coronos: What? It's a club.**

**Madant: Pussy…**

**Coronos: What did you call me?**

**Madant: I called you a pussy, what'cha gonna do about it?**

**Coronos: I'ma beat you with this club, that's what I'ma do!**

**Madant: Pussy. Fight me like a real man!**

**Coronos: I'm already a man!**

**Madant: No you're not! You're a Pussy! (_Still aggroed by the Goblin_)**

**Coronos: STFU!!!**

**Madant: PUSSY! PUSSY! PUSSY!**

**_Madant has been defeated by the Goblin Pathfinder_**

**Coronos: AHA! WHO'S THE PUSSY NOW?!**

**_/ra Coronos_**

**Coronos: Oh you fing crossbow whore! ****TAKE THIS BIOTCH!**

**_/ws Shining Strike Goblin Pathfinder_**

**_Shining Strike inflicts 2 damage to the Goblin Pathfinder._**

**Coronos: Oh shit…**

**_/ra Coronos_**

**_Coronos has been defeated by the Goblin Pathfinder._**

**_Coronos has been deleveled to Level 24._**

**Goblin Pathfinder: What a pussy…**

What Coronos did back there was idiotic. Monks are useless with a club. They are in fact…pussies. Now, a Monk with a staff is a different story. They're cool. Not like Coronos…the pussy Monk with a club.

How to be a White Mage

The first rule of being a White Mage is never to get mad. A White Mage must obey orders from everyone. If a White Mage ever gives an order, prepare for a can of Whoop-ass. Coronos and Madant will demonstrate now.

**Madant: Coro! Give me a Cure!**

**Coronos: (How would you like a penis for Christmas?)**

**_/ma Cure Madant_**

**Madant: You call that a cure?! Give me a Protect!**

**Coronos: (The only 'Protect' you need is a condom you HIV magnet.)**

**_/ma Protect Madant_**

**Madant: You suck ass! Give me a shell.**

**_/ma Shell Madant_**

**Coronos: (The only 'Shell' you'll ever need is your mom's ass.)**

**Madant: Give me a raise!**

**Coronos: But your not de-**

**Madant: Bitch?! Did I tell you, you could talk?!**

**Coronos: All I sai-**

**Madant: I'ma open a can of Whoop-Ass on you if you don't shut up!**

**Coronos: (I'ma open a portal to space and fling you in it.)**

Coronos has successfully passed as a White Mage. WHMs should NEVER talk. That's why Coronos kept his comments to himself.

How** NOT** to be a White Mage

**Madant: Damn this Goblin is hard. Coronos! I need a cur-**

**Coronos: NO!**

**Madant: YOU SPOKE! I DID NOT TELL YOU TO SPE-**

**_/ma Silence Madant_**

**Coronos: HA! You stupid-ass fag! Can't talk shit now can you?**

**Madant: … (Why I oughta kick you ass for that!)**

**Coronos: What's that Madant? I CAN'T HEAR YOU!!! AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!**

**Madant … (Ok, Ok, Coro, you win! Just don't let me die!)**

**Coronos: I'ma let you die.**

**_Madant has been defeated by the Goblin Shaman_**

**_Madant has deleveled to Level 19._**

What Coronos did back there was irresponsible. Now that Madant is dead, the Goblin is now after him. That's what WHMs are for. They heal people while they beat the shit out of mobs. Now that he can't melee like a Monk, he's going to die just like Madant.

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Hope you like this! It made my cousin laugh. I'll post BLM, RDM, and THF in just a bit. For now, enjoy this guide of Pros and Cons. Catch Coronos (me) and Madant in the Midgardsormr Server! 


	2. How to be: BLM, RDM, THF

Today, we will feature the wonders of three new jobs, Black Mage, Red Mage, and Thief. We will explain how to be those jobs, and how **NOT** to be them. Today, our volunteers will be Coronos, who will be the Job, and Latias, a new member that will be the co-helper.

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How to be a Black Mage 

In order to be a Black Mage, you must learn how to control AOE, or Area-of-Effect spells. If you use AOE spells at the right time, you will live. If you use AOE spells at the wrong time, you just wasted a shit load of MP...and you will die. Coronos and Latias will demonstrate now.

**Latias: AAAGGGHHH!!!**

**Coronos: Wtf?**

**Latias: CORO! I HAVE 10 ORCS ON ME!!!**

**Coronos: So?**

**Latias: …**

**Coronos: Hey man, you linked them. Not me.**

**Latias: DO SOMETHING!!!**

**Coronos: Fine…**

**_/ma Sleepga" Orcish Fodder_**

**Latias: Phew…Thanks man.**

**Coronos: Sorry, I was helping a Level 2 with a linked Orc Train. You were saying?**

**Latias: Wait…if you used Sleepga on that guy's train…where's my train?**

**Coronos: Oh shit…**

**Latias has been defeated by the Orcish Grunt.**

Coronos had just used one of the AOE spells, Sleepga. Sleepga is an AOE spell that obviously sleeps a huge amount of monsters.

How **NOT** to be a Black Mage

**Latias: Damnit! An Orc linked me!**

**Coronos: When will you ever learn?**

**Latias: 7:45 A.M. when I go to school.**

**Coronos: …**

**Latias: Don't just stand there! Do something!**

**Coronos: There are other things around us.**

**Latias: I don't care! Help me!**

**Coronos: Fine! (Me, Me, Me, I, I, I, when the hell will it be Me and not Me?! That did not make any sense…)**

_**/ma "Stonega" Orcish Grunt**_

**Latias: Thanks man.**

**Coronos: Latias? I thought you said **_a_** Orc linked you?**

**Latias: No. I said **_an _**Orc lined me.**

**Coronos: You know what I mean!**

**Latias: Yeah. Why?**

**Coronos: Because there's 15 other Orcs behind you.**

**Latias: Oh shit…**

**Latias had been defeated by a shit load of Orcs.**

**Coronos: Wow…I'm next…**

What Latias (yes…the co-helper, Latias), did back there was idiotic. BLMs are meant to obey commands because they can't think for themselves. He _told_ Coronos to do an AOE spell, which caused the both of them to die. When partying with a BLM, never give them commands.

How to be a Red Mage

In order to be a Red Mage, you must first realize that you suck. Let's prove this mathematically.

WAR plus WHM plus BLM plus (shit times 2) equals RDM

Red Mages are a shitty Warrior, a shitty White Mage, and a shitty Black Mage. Not to mention that they are so shitty that they make shit look good enough to take a shit on, then shit it all over again. Coronos and Latias will now demonstrate.

**Latias: Hello shit.**

**Coronos: What?!**

**Latias: I mean, hello Shitonos.**

**Coronos: CORONOS!!!**

**Latias: Yeah, that's what I said.**

**Coronos: What do you want?**

**Latias: My friend needs a Raise.**

**Coronos: I'm Level 25…**

**Latias: Exactly, can you Raise him?**

**Coronos: I don't learn that till 38.**

**Latias: Oh yeah…you suck.**

**Coronos: What _else_ do you want?**

**Latias: Can you Warp II me?**

**Coronos: I'm a Red Mage…not a Black Mage…**

**Latias: Oh yeah…you suck.**

**Coronos: WHAT DO YOU NEED?!**

**Latias: Nothing from a Red Mage.**

**Coronos: What's that supposed to mean?!**

**Latias: Nothing.**

Coronos had done the _real_ job of a Red Mage: Accept harsh content from other people. RDMs are only in parties, because they are felt sorry for by others.

How **NOT** to be a Red Mage

**Coronos: So, what do you want me to do?**

**Party Leader: Um…I dunno. Just do something.**

_**/ma "Cure" Party Leader**_

**Party's White Mage: HEY PAL! THAT'S MY JOB!!!**

**Coronos: Oh…sorry. (Midget little prick.)**

**_/ma "Blind" Goblin Pathfinder_**

**Party's Black Mage: CORONOS! THAT'S MY JOB!**

**Coronos: I didn't know…sorry. (I hate Mithras even more.)**

_**/attack Goblin Pathfinder**_

**Party Leader: WTF YOU RED MAGE! THAT'S MY JOB!**

**Coronos: What the hell **_am _**I supposed to do?!**

**Party Leader: I don't know! Go sit down!**

**Coronos: Fine…**

_**/sit**_

**Elvaan Bum: Hey dude…that's my job.**

**Coronos: That's it…I'm committing suicide…**

What Coronos had done in this demonstration was wrong. Red Mages are not to interfere with other jobs of the party. If they do…they will committee suicide.

How to be a Thief

In order to be a Thief, you must learn how to Steal and make gil. The only reason why parties invite Thieves is because they want to make money while they train…but we don't tell Thieves that. Coronos and Latias will demonstrate now.

**Party Leader: So, you got a Thief?**

**Latias: Yeah, he's on the way.**

**Coronos: Ok guys, I'm here.**

**Latias: Ok, let's kill this Goblin!**

_**/ja "Steal" Goblin Gambler**_

**Coronos/Latias/Party Leader: DIE!!!**

_**The Goblin Gambler has been defeated by Latias.**_

**Latias: What did you Steal, Coronos?**

**Coronos: Just a stupid Beastcoin.**

**Party Leader: Sweet! 100g!**

**Latias: Me too!**

**Coronos: Wtf? Where did you guys get 100g?**

**Latias/Party Leader: NOWHERE!**

Coronos had just done the real job of a Thief: To get the party money while he gets a crappy 1g Coin.

How **NOT** to be a Thief

**Latias: Die you Orc!**

**Coronos: AAGGHH! DIE!**

_**The Orcish Fighter has been defeated by Coronos.**_

**Latias: Hmmm. Hey Coro, don't Beastmen usually drop gil when they die?**

**Coronos: Maybe this one's fresh out.**

**Latias: That can't be possible. Beastmen always have spare gil, no matter what.**

**Coronos: Beats me…**

**Latias: Coronos, empty your pockets.**

**Coronos: Ok.**

**Latias: (Hmm…they're empty. I know he's hiding it somewhere.) Coronos, take off your pants.**

**Coronos: Ok dude, you just gone too far.**

**Latias: Do it!**

**Coronos: Wow…forceful, aren't we?**

**Latias: (Nothing?! God I know he is hiding that gil!) Take off your shirt!**

**Coronos: DAMNIT LATIAS?! I DON'T SWING THAT WAY! And besides, I hate having sex in a forest. Gives me all sorts of rashes. Like this one time, when I was alone with this hot Gir-**

**Latias: DO IT!**

**Coronos: (Crap! The gil is under my shirt! What to do…) Eh…**

**Latias: Well?**

**Coronos: Um…**

_**/ja "Flee" Coronos**_

**Latias: GET BACK HERE YOU SELFISH PRICK!**

What Coronos did was the job of a Medeocre Thief: Steal from others. Thieves like those were caught, and executed. Todays Thieves are to steal from Beastmen.

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Hope you guys like the new Chapter! Next Chapter will be a guide on how to be a Paladin, Dark Knight, and Beastmaster...or will it? O.O.o.o.O.O R&R!!! 


	3. How to be: PLD, DRK, BST

Today, we will test the wonders of the first Advance Jobs, Paladin, Dark Knight, and Beastmaster. We will demonstrate on how to be those jobs, and how **NOT** to be those jobs. Our volunteers for these demonstrations are Coronos and a new co-helper, Heiae.

How to be a Paladin

To be a Paladin, you must persuade other party members to think that you are the most heroic man they every met…even if you aren't heroic. Coronos and Heiae will demonstrate now.

**Heiae: AAGGHH! Coronos! Save me! (A/N: Heiae is a guy)**

**Coronos: Never fear! Coronos is here!**

**Heiae: Yay!**

**Coronos: Now stand back! This will be dangerous!**

_**The Forrest Hare hits Coronos for 500 damage.**_

**_Coronos has been defeated by the Forest Hare._**

**Heiae: He lived a hero…and died a hero. /cry**

**Madant: You do know he was a lower level than you were, right?**

**Heiae: Yes…but he was my hero.**

**Madant: Wow…you're gay.**

**Heiae: Yes…I am very happy!**

**Madant: …**

Coronos had perfectly demonstrated the true job of the Paladin. Although we mentioned that PLDs are supposed to be the Hero no matter what, we really mean 'no matter what'.

How **NOT** to be a Paladin

**Party Leader: You got a 6th?**

**Heiae: Yeah.**

**Party Leader: I hate Paladins.**

**Heiae: Don't worry. You'll learn to like him.**

**Coronos: Ok guys, I'm here.**

**Party Leader: Ok Heiae, go pull.**

**Heiae: Ok.**

_Five Minutes Later…_

**Coronos: Sorry, I was busy. I helped one party kill some Aggro Gobs, another party with the lack of Cures, and a third party for no apparent reason.**

_**Heiae has been killed by the Damselfly.**_

_**The Party Leader has been killed by the Damselfly.**_

**Coronos: Hmm…did I miss something?**

_Somewhere in the Farplane…_

**Party Leader: I TOLD YOU I HATE PALADINS!**

**Heiae: SHUT UP! DON'T TALK SHIT ABOUT MY HERO!**

What Coronos did was one of the things PLDs are meant for their unreliability. Although they are Heroes, that doesn't not mean they will only help your party. PLDs have a very short attention span and will help anyone they feel like it. DON'T rely on a PLD all the time.

How to be a Dark Knight

To be a Dark Knight, you must learn how to hit properly. It is true that all Dark Knights can't hit with precise accuracy, but their massive amount of attack and power will make up for it. Coronos and Heiae will demonstrate now.

**Heiae: Hey Coro.**

**Coronos: …**

**Heiae: HEY CORO!**

**Coronos: What?**

**Heiae: Go pull something.**

**Coronos: Like what?**

**Heiae: How 'bout something that you can actually hit?**

**Coronos: What's that supposed to mean!**

**Heiae: You know damn well what it means. So go pull something big like that Dhamel.**

_**/ra t **_

_**Heiae hits the Dhamel for 45 damage.**_

_**Heiae hits the Dhamel for 88 damage.**_

**_Heiae hits the Dhamel for 22 damage._**

**Heiae: How're you doin' over there, Coro?**

_**Coronos misses the Dhamel.**_

_**Coronos misses the Dhamel.**_

_**Coronos misses the Dhamel.**_

_**Coronos misses the Dhamel.**_

_**Coronos misses the Dhamel.**_

_**Coronos misses the Dhamel.**_

_**Coronos misses the Dhamel.**_

_**Coronos misses the Dhamel.**_

_**Coronos misses the Dhamel.**_

_**Coronos misses the Dhamel.**_

_**Coronos misses the Dhamel.**_

_**Coronos misses the Dhamel.**_

_**Coronos misses the Dhamel.**_

**Coronos: AAAGGGHHH!**

**Heiae: Coronos? How in hell _can't _you hit something so DAMN HUGE!**

Don't be surprised that Coronos can't hit something 100 times his size, because DRKs are very, very blind. Even though their favored weapon, the Scythe, is very big that it could hit anything, a DRK just can't see.

How **NOT** to be a Dark Knight

**Paladin: …**

**Heiae: … (That PLD is my Hero! D)**

**Coronos: … (I wish I can actually hit something…)**

**Paladin: Are we ready or what! I have the need to tank!**

**Coronos: I'll go pull. **

_/ra t _

**Paladin: Oh yeah! Come here Mr. Dhamel!**

_**/ja Provoke t **_

**Heiae: Eat some of this you fuckin' camel!**

**Paladin: …Camel?**

**Heiae: Just tank. **

_Coronos misses the Dhamel._

_**Coronos misses the Dhamel.**_

_**Coronos misses the Dhamel.**_

_**Coronos misses the Dhamel.**_

_**Coronos misses the Dhamel.**_

_**Coronos misses the Dhamel.**_

_**Coronos misses the Dhamel.**_

_**Coronos misses the Dhamel.**_

**Coronos: Alright that's it! I'M PISSED!**

_**/ja Last Resort**_

_**/ja Soul Eater**_

_**/ja Blood Weapon**_

**Coronos: EAT SOME OF THIS YOU FUCKIN' CAMEL!**

**Heiae: Ha! I told you Dhamels are Camels!**

**Paladin: Just hit the damn thing!**

_**The Dhamel hits Coronos for 46 Damage.**_

**Coronos: What the hell you stupid Paladin! Tank it! **

Paladin: I'm trying!

_/ja Provoke t _

_**The Dhamel hits Coronos for 68 Damage.**_

**Paladin: You fag! That camel hates you more than me!**

**Heiae: See! You agree with me! That thing is a camel! **

Paladin: Will you shut up!

_**The Dhamel hits Coronos for 800 ½ Damage.**_

_**Coronos was defeated by the Dhamel.**_

_**Coronos deleveled to Level -2.**_

**Heiae: Is -2 even a level?**

What Coronos just did was very idiotic. Although DRKs can't hit, even if it meant their life, they can do massive damage to their opponents. The idiotic act Coronos has committed was using his Dark Knight Job Abilities all at once. This is very dangerous because it grabs hate from the monster. Not only can't DRKs hit, they can't tank even for just 2 seconds do to their lack of Defense.

How to be a Beastmaster

To be a Beastmaster, you must know how to charm monsters. That one ability will help you throughout being a BST. Charming monsters will also be helpful for leveling. Coronos will demonstrate.

**Coronos: Ah…what a nice day it is. I mean, here in Valkurm…leveling up…I wish I would'a used BST in the first place! You never need a party!**

**Coronos: Ooh! A Snipper!**

_**/ja Charm t **_

**Coronos: Heh, now to attack a worthwhile mob!**

**Newb Party Leader: H3Y j00!**

**Coronos: Eh?**

**Newb Party Leader: Y34H! j00! j00 S70L3 MY M08!**

**Coronos: Dude, enough with the 1337. And aren't there any other crabs in the area?**

**Newb Party Leader: N0! B3C4UZ BSTS 1!K3 j00 K33P 0N S73AL!NG D3M!**

**Coronos: What other BSTs! I'm the only one! **

BST 1: I got a clipper!

**BST 2: w00t! Level up!**

**BST 4074292: Oh right! Now for Qufim Island!**

**Newb Party Leader: j00 S33!11one**

**Coronos: Ah…F**

Being a BST isn't always easy. You will need to take drastic measures to level up. Such as what Coronos just demonstrated: stealing party's monsters. But who cares about them. A BST has their needs too.

How **NOT** to be a Beastmaster

**Party Leader: Um…**

**Heiae: What?**

**Party Leader: You got a BST…**

**Heiae: So?**

**Party Leader: Nevermind, I'll let you find out the hard way.**

**Coronos: Alright, I'm here.**

**Heiae: Alright, we're all here. I'll go pull.**

_**/ra t **_

_**Heiae hits the Dhamel for 100 Damage.**_

_**The Party Leader hits the Dhamel for 87 Damage.**_

_**Coronos hits the Dhamel for 142 Damage.**_

_**The Snipper hits the Dhamel for 500 damage.**_

_**The Snipper defeats the Dhamel.**_

**Heiae: Wow…that was easy…**

**Party Leader: …**

**Coronos: Um…**

_**Heiae gains 1 Experience Point.**_

_**Coronos gains 1 Experience Point.**_

_**The Party Leader gains 1 Experience Point.**_

**Party Leader: I'm surrounded by dumbasses…**

**The Snipper hits The Party Leader for 500 Damage.**

**The Party Leader was defeated by the Snipper.**

What Coronos just did was regretful. Beastmasters are soloists…soloists only. Being in a party is stupid because the Beastmasters' pet will gain all of the EXP, therefore it will grow stronger and eventually kill everyone.

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Well, sorry the third chapter took so long. I been a bit busy. Anyways, I been getting flames from this story and I would just like to say... IT'S A STORY!

R&R!


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